This came to me a little while back when I was folding away some newly-washed Lycra. I caught a whiff of something, and it was BO like Selecta.

You shouldn’t have to do the ‘sniff test’ AFTER you’ve done your laundry. You shouldn’t be wondering ‘what smells… like burgers?’ right after a workout. Sure, you get a little extra room on the bus home after a run or gym session, but there’s That Awkward Moment when you realise YOU are what stinks.

YOU smell like burgers fried in onions and ass. In a bin. On a summer’s day.

YOU cannot get the smell out of your clothes for love nor money.

And it isn’t just after a workout, either… it’s all the time. The merest hint of perspiration has you unable to do things you’d previously taken for granted, like leaping in the air, arms aloft, shouting ‘YES!’ You catch yourself sniffing your armpit and asking how exactly things got so tangy.

‘Horses sweat, men perspire, ladies merely glow’, Shakespeare said. Hm. He hadn’t accounted for gentlemen and ladies who sweat like beasts. Glow? I should be so lucky.

I’m told this is down to the body becoming more efficient at cooling you down while you exercise; it’s a common misconception that sweating buckets is only for the unfit.

If you’re also being soundtracked by C+C Music Factory, might I recommend ditching the usual deodorants/anti-perspirants and hitting the hard stuff? If it ain’t 48-hour, it ain’t gonna touch the sides. Get it, and get it NOW.

You’re welcome.